So many moments

The past week has changed me.

You only have so many moments in life, and you never know when the last time will be. You hear it all the time about your kids. One day you’ll hold his hand, and he next day he won’t need you to. The next day you’ll get them dressed and them tomorrow they’ll be too big. It’s glorious and beautiful, and sad all at the same time.

But when it’s with an aging parent, it’s different. My mom is 59. I’ve been a “caretaker” for her for at least the past 12 years. She’s blessed us enormously.

Last Monday she fell. She didn’t tell anyone, and Tuesday night she let me know she was in pain. By Thursday she was vomiting, drooling, lethargic and we were in the ER. They ruled out the big things-internal bleeding, infection. The weekend we waited, for things to get betters

Today, they aren’t. We followed DR orders and called her Nuero doc, who sent us to an ER that specializes in Nuero issues. She’s sleeping now, and the quiet hum of her blood pressure machine both calms me and worries me at the same time. She sleeps. She hasn’t slept in a week. Why is home so hard to sleep in? Would a place like this (assisted living) be better? How can I make the rest of her life sublime, perfect, everything she’s ever dreamed of?

With this injury she’s lost her will to do anything. She doesn’t want to go anywhere, engage socially. She just doesn’t feel good. What if the last time I told her to quit working so hard was the last. What if she never gives me a snarky comment when I ask her a medical question?

This all happened so fast, and so quick. I’m hoping it’s temporary. I’ll cherish every moment with her. My heart has changed and I know how much she means in our life. Until next time, I’ll just hold my breathe and wait.

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